the year of shutting up

This year began for me as "The Year of Shutting Up."

In reality, it has been "The Year of Not Much Worth Saying Anyway."

That's not to say that nothing has happened, but that I feel less and less like I have much to contribute in the way of wisdom. I have had some markers along the way—things I have learned and intentions that are marinating. Here are a few:

I am considering becoming a vegetarian.

I am definitely becoming a father.

I am relying entirely too much on old information.

I am desperately in need of new routines.

I am increasingly admiring good people.

I am becoming less interested in having all the answers.

I am finding ways to stay distracted and I'm not sure it's a good thing.

Working out and learning things are good and important activities. But what happens when you stop doing those things because the motivation in the past was vanity/insecurity (those two, it seems to me, are two sides of the same condition)? I had a friend who stopped playing soccer because he got too competitive and could not remain generous and kind while he played. But I'm not sure just stopping cures the problem. My year of shutting up did not really succeed too well. I ended up talking quite a bit as if I knew more than I actually did or as if my opinion mattered more than it actually did.

Jesus was smart. The stuff he said about finding your life only when you let go of it is so right on. It's hard to let go of, though. Just because something is true doesn't mean it's easy.

So I still intend talk less and learn more...but I want to learn more about people, not just more information. I want to learn wisdom...which involves living out wisdom.

If we are not what we offer, we do not have much to offer anyway. This is especially true for teachers in any category. It is most urgent, however, for teachers among the people of Jesus. This statement, while I believe is true, is more projection, because I feel it is urgent for me to hear it. So I'm writing it down here to myself.

I'm not sure what the next year will be "the year of." Maybe it is hubris to declare such things at the start. You only know it was "The Year of..." when you reflect on what has actually happened.